marysaysmeh

Hey. Hi. Hello.

This is my eulogy. I’m dying. Well, dying a little more fervently than every other day. I’ve caught the flu and since I can’t handle being sick for any number of days without complaining about it, this is me complaining about it. I feel like my pain tolerance is pretty high, but a pressure headache makes me want to rip my head off and feed it to the birds.

I did go to the doctor, so I could quickly recover and get back to work. Lemme tell you, if you don’t have insurance and need a place that’s “semi cheap” (Without insurance? That’d be witchcraft) I’d suggest Walgreens. They have a walk-in clinic and the pharmacy is right there. One could even help yourself to a box of saltine crackers and a Gatorade because it’s all in the same store. The doctor even gave me a coupon for my cough syrup because either he felt pity for my sickly state or he had an abundant amount of coupons. I’d like to think it’s the first.

Side Note: when I was little I use to despise the taste of cough syrup. Even now I find it gross but more of a, “Ugh this is gross, I know it’s working. Let me take more” situation. Is that just me?

One would think that plenty of bed rest would do your body good and help beat off the infectious disease that has invaded your bloodstream. But did you know that if you sleep for a long period of time without getting up to move around you’ll get sore? Wow, neither did I! So now, on top of dying, my body feels like one big bruise.

I thought I’d share some fun bubonic plague facts with y’all since I’ve contracted it and will no longer be a part of society. Yay for history!

• The Black Death resulted in the death of an estimated 75-200 million.
• The disease is usually transmitted by a bacillus found in the rat flea, Yersinia pestis.
• Victims of the Bubonic Plague were used for biological attacks. Often the infected corpses and excrements would be flung over castle walls by use of catapults. Thus, infecting the intended cities.
• Doctors had almost no knowledge of the plague and would use urine and dung as a form of treatment believing the bad smell would force the plague out of the victims.
• The nursery rhyme Pocket Full of Posies stems from the posies and other herbs doctors use to put in their masks to cover the stench of rotting corpses.
• It was believed a bath would open the pores and let in bad air. So, bathing became less widespread and bath houses became non-existent.
• Devil-fearing Christians believed black cats were associated with the devil, so many cats were killed as a result of the superstition. Without cats to act as a natural predator, the rat population increased. And the human population remained vulnerable to the plague.
• A new study believes the Bubonic Plague could have originated in ancient Egypt. Egyptian writings from a similar time period suggest an epidemic disease with the same symptoms as the Plague.
• The disease has actually never gone away and the World Health Organization tallies as many as 3,000 plague cases per year around the world.

Okay. Okay. I could go on but I’ll spare you because this is all I can think of off the top of my head and I’m sure you can do your own research for more details. You might want to use the good ol’ Google to see if I got my numbers right but I use to read about the Black Plague in high school because I found it really fascinating. Is there any question to why I was insanely popular in high school? (I wasn’t.) I still find it fascinating, but I don’t spend a lot of my free time reading about death statistics from the Middle Ages. The FBI might think I was trying to create a biowarfare for mass production. I’m not. I spend my time doing normal activities like seeing how many potato chips I can stuff into my mouth before wanting to throw up. It’s a wonder why I’m sick.

So, on that note, I’m gonna go and either:

• Make myself something to eat that’s not a saltine cracker
• Take a shower because I feel disgusting
• Have some hot tea, so I’ll stop sounding like a ragged old woman that lives in a misty deserted bog
• Maybe clean to get my body moving
• Or honestly just go back to sleep and deal with everything tomorrow

Stay healthy, kiddos. Take an immune booster.